Cameron Direct

8 October, 2009

The Tory leader’s speech before speechwriters got their mits on it.


I want to get straight to the point.

I want to get straight to the champagne

We all know how bad things are: massive debt, social breakdown, political disenchantment. But what I want to talk about today is how good things could be.

Yippee heaven knows we’re all miserable now. Hey I can quote Morrisey just to prove i’m such a COOL CAT. Oh right focus.

Don’t get me wrong, I have no illusions. If we win this election, it is going to be tough. There will have to be cutbacks in public spending, and that will be painful. We will need to confront Britain’s culture of irresponsibility and that will be hard to take for many people. And we will have to tear down Labour’s big government bureaucracy, ripping up its time-wasting, money-draining, responsibility-sapping nonsense.

And breath 1…2…3…4…

None of this will be easy. We will be tested. I will be tested. I’m ready for that

N er ner ner ner 20 years too late. Boyakasha.

– and so I believe, are the British people.

Here I come ready or not… and i’m not.

So yes, there is a steep climb ahead. But I tell you this. The view from the summit will be worth it.

Only £5.99 per quarter to the Ramblers and I will march you up to the top of the hill and march you down again.

So I won’t promise things I cannot deliver. But I can look you in the eye

or possibly your chest. I’m only human.

and tell you that in a Conservative Britain: If you put in the effort to bring in a wage, you will be better off.

Emigrating to Hong Kong only 15% tax  don’t you know.

If you save money your whole life, you’ll be rewarded.

With a chemical cosh in your carehome – matron will fill out your ballot for me. I mean you.

If you start your own business, we’ll be right behind you.

Asking for a consultancy.

If you want to raise a family, we’ll support you.

Hell if she’s pretty we’ll…

If you’re frightened, we’ll protect you.

Nightlights for everyone peeps. Nightlights!

If you risk your safety to stop a crime, we’ll stand by you.

and watch as you’re hacked to your death. We’ve got to train DD somehow.

If you risk your life to fight for your country, we will honour you.

by closing the military hospitals like the last time we were in.

Ask me what a Conservative government stands for and the answer is this, we will reward those who take responsibility, and care for those who can’t.

Take responsibility, take anything else that aint nailed down. Bonanza.

Daycare loser!!!!!!!!!!!

So if we cut big government back. If we move society forward.

If we can cut government I can afford pre election tax cuts! Boyakasha

And if we rebuild responsibility, then we can put Britain back on her feet.I know that today there aren’t many reasons to be cheerful.

Stay on your sofas for the moment but fear not Teletubbies on next then we can dance.

But there are reasons to believe. Yes it will be a steep climb. But the view from the summit will be worth it. Let me tell you what I can see.

Binoculars Boris now!

I see a country where more children grow up with security and love because family life comes first.

I just want to opt out of the social chapter because the French smell not because workers should be flogged though they should be.

I see a country where you choose the most important things in life — the school your child goes to and the healthcare you get.

Eton and Private if you’ve got any sense … sorry I mean cash.

I see a country where communities govern themselves — organising local services, independent of Whitehall, a great handing back of power to people.

Because i’m stuffed if I know what to do with it.

I see a country with entrepreneurs everywhere, bringing their ideas to life — and life to our great towns and cities.

Yes it’s true I want to privatise Milton Keynes. Roundabout anyone?

I see a country where it’s not just about the quantity of money, but the quality of life — where we lead the world in saving our planet.

I got a discount on the foam Superman outfit. Spandex ummmmmmmmmmmmm boyakasha!

I see a country where you’re not so afraid to walk home alone, where you’re safe in the knowledge that right and wrong is restored to law and order.

Frank Bruno is going to be my bodyguard, my bodyguard, my body guard

I see a country where the poorest children go to the best schools not the worst, where birth is never a barrier.

Becuase it’s never been for me or ma blood her Maj. Iz cool, tres cool =:-)

No, we will not make it if we pull in different directions, follow our own interests, take care of only ourselves.

£100 Boris I can quote from the Joy of Sex as well. Boyakasha!

But if we pull together, come together, work together — we will get through this together.

Double Boyakasha.

And when we look back we will say not that the government made it happen … not that the minister made it happen … but the businesswoman made it happen … the police officer made it happen … the father made it happen …the teacher made it happen.

Basically you won’t notice i’m here. I’ll just turn out the light.

You made it happen.

Hello … is there anybody here?


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